Decisions are goals made without a plan!!🤷🏻 Stick to it though.

A wise man once said….okay no sorry but why would only wise men talk.so breaking the norm wise women once said(the wise women I am referring to is me obvs) that once if you are making a wise decision in life(did you see wise women, wise decision…) Do not ever try to change it. That said let me elaborate. If you have made a decisions about doing something maybe eat less/healthy or do exercise daily most of us don’t stick to it even if we stick to it we regret it some way or the other.so what I am saying is regret is okay, getting used to new habit is also a major challenge and the things you know that it would be hard but since you are doing it for yourself you will do it…BUT ya there is always a but if you go back. if you not only stop but go back there is a you inside you who would be very disappointed with you. And Moreover, you would define the past you as your true self rather than the present you. Because let’s be real even though you did not want to do it, even every brain cells tell stop too, You were prouder. So that’s why as the earlier wise women said do not try to change a wise decision you made because when you made it it was the most important thing you wanted and if your past, less strong self wanted something from you-you has fulfilled it to show that you are better and stronger. And finally, winter is here. Hai!! (Flynn Ryder)

Being a Polyglot and its glorious complexity.

The day i realized people speak other languages than Malayalam(mother tongue in Kerala,India) it was a very big surprise to me.It not just surprised me but confused me too like how people can someone understand something if they do not know Malayalam. So very early on in my life i realized about diversity in world and it started with difference in languages.

It was also the time where i realized their are languages that i do not know. Your mind speak Malayalam when you try to interpret a English sentence,that’s what our brain did.For a person who speaks only English it will only be English.

So when we started to learn Hindi in school(as it is the official language of India) i was perplexed.I did not wanted to learn it as its seemed like a very bizarre thing for a 5th grader still i tried.But the first bomb hit when we were transferred to another school in the middle of the semester.In the new school learning Hindi was far more worse because i went in the midst of middle schoolers who have been learning the language for almost 5 years and there i was with my little knowledge in alphabets.

Did i find it hard to learn the thickest the Hindi text books,VERY!.Did i failed Hindi tests that year,BIG TIME!!!.

So i realized i am very behind and wanted to learn the language very much.I started watching all the Bollywood movies then i had access to watch, which was very little.And it went on like that for around 5 years and in my 10th grade i did get an A+ on my boards for Hindi which would seem like a good story but learning a language to the fullest was extremely hard.

Now i know to read,write,speak in 2 other languages other than Hindi and English and i can almost understand 2 other languages and i use all these languages everyday in my work environment as i work with people from all over the country.
The one downfall of being a polyglot is you can mix languages up every now and then and in my case every other sentence.

I did start studying french though and as always left it after a month of practice because i realized even if i want to learn i cant talk with anyone to find it right or not(The very important part,it was hard to learn alone<shoulder shrugs>)

Each language has its own flavor. When you read something in Malayalam it gives you a different feel compared to reading something in English. But the beauty of it is their are millions of people in the world who speak a language that you do not speak even just thinking of it makes me catch my stomach.

Sometimes you just don’t realize life is happening.

Today I was sitting with my friends/colleagues at the cafeteria. The topic landed on music which further landed on singing and my story is…Its a story of stage fear and happened around 5 years ago.

We all get that you-are-not-good-for-this-certain-skill vibes from people in one way or the other. And for me, it is singing. Singing is my weakest forte of all things and when I say weakest it is not like I can’t sing terrible-singer two-left-foot-dancer-kind singer. I sing okay but not that good enough to sing in a choir or compared to my sister and cousin who sings good, well(rolling eyes) better than me.So When i got the opportunity to sing in live audience just because they could accommodate one more act.It was a large church program at our locality.

It was surreal when i said i wanted to sing and that too solo( i have never sung in front of a people who did not know me).I am not aware what came into my mind when i said that but all i could think was i had to do it.Nobody said i should not do it though even though the vibes were different from people.It was like ‘You will know at the end what we were saying about the matter,but anyway go on’.Still i appreciate that nobody said be ‘NO’ though.

The day came,i dressed up in my green dress,and a black choker,did a fancy hair style i learned from YouTube and went to the venue…Early!!.

But i waited till the program started,My sister sung first as the opening act and it was quite awesome. One by one the events were going on and the nearer my act was approaching the more horrified i was becoming.And when it was 2 programs down till mine i was petrified to my toes and i wanted to run away, i wanted to cry, could not breath all at the same time. I did not wanted to sing and when my friends saw me backstage they were feeling pity and trying to calm me.Hell even i was feeling pity for me because i it took upon all myself .It was nothing like i have experienced before it will top the list of stage fear even, before i had to run the relay or appearing for the math test which was the worst case scenario then or going on stage in school without proper rehearsal for the dance but on those occasions it was not just me but it was not my fault or it will be team effort were i did not volunteered but i was chosen.

Except this time it was my decision to do this.What did i do!!.My performance finally arrived i got to the stage numb and once i started singing it was fine not mind-boggling i guess because my sister said it was
mind-boggling and she has this way of exaggerating my accomplishments so ‘not going to trust you sis’.I felt it was okay but i was overwhelmingly excited that i finally did it,not how i sang(good/bad/really bad) but i did it.Only that till day i am not sure how bad was it because I could not see the performance and the one my sister took fortunately or unfortunately showed error while playing and never tried to find any recording of it too.i do not even remember how people reacted to it(Yeah that’s me!!Hi).

I remember the moments before the performance,the rise of my confidence level from start to end of the song and how my had shivered while holding the mike.

Maybe its just the way of saying you had to do what you did but not again.And i do not want you to relive those moments again and judge yourself but remember how you felt and that’s it.

The things i concluded from my experience is:

  • Do what you want to do at least once and do not regret about it.
  • We usually do not realize some moments in your life that gives you memories or stories and just do not leave them their.
  • Here this was special to me because i cant go back and relive it again through any means but my memory.That is special in some way.
  • And when it came to mind today i simply felt i did not gave me enough appreciations for that and its not like you will one day get Oscar or anything,so these are those moments you do have to realize were something.

Hearing your Thoughts.

2018————–>2019

I am not hear to talk about what resolutions i completed last year or what are the ones i am going to take ,at least not in this blog.

I would like to share some realizations i had last year though:

1.This one is something you might know but i was living in a very fairy tale life so i used to believe that The CONFRONTATION happens in real life too.The confrontations that we expect through out our lifetime to confront our ex or our parents or that teacher who did not appreciate your efforts.But trust me it wont and even if it might happen but you wont get enough satisfaction with all the parallel versions you have in your mind and when it actually happens in real.So just give it up and be more happy or if it is your  guilty pleasure, then ‘I do not know’.

2.The Next thing I do not know how it works but all i know is we all are jealous of something or someone.If we say it out loud it will be out in the world and you all know karma is a boomerang.But if its kept inside it will grow.Grow in the sense from jealousy to anger to sadness to maybe depression if the thing you are jealous of is bigger and better or else its all waste of time and energy.So that’s that.

3.The other realization that hit me is,this is definitely silly but if you are going through this maybe we are not that dumb.The thing i as a 22 year old girl first time away from home has learned a lot.But i was dumb enough to believe that i have gone through something new which should be new for everyone.Does that make any sense.Okay let me break it down.It has lot to do with new experiences and new feelings and new information’s. So the me inside me has this stupid conception that i am the only person who has discovered this side of things and it gives me a sense of power and pride(Yeah!!!!I know).But anyhow it did not lasted longer and i had got the idea out of my mind just the way it came.

4.This may be some real shit realization i got , as we all are living in a virtual reality-reality situation right now the world is very fast as well as it is very happy.(<You on the other side of the screen>Yeah!!What!!!..I did not know ??).But if its wrong!! because the social media is saying other wise. Its just like we are showing our future generation to be happy,”once when you are happy”, like we wanted to be “adults” when we were kids and we all know how that turned out.Happiness will not be enough when we are feeling unhappiness over seeing a bunch of highlights.So we have to understand that these are just highlights not the whole life.

5.And Finally the ‘We all are Chained to Internet’.That is a statement i wanted to give out not an accusation or any question.Just let that sink in.

These are some big revelations i had from last year.Thank you for taking time to read.Bye have a good day.

Five Feet Apart:Book Review

Five feet apart is a romance novel written by Rachael Lippincott with Mikki Daughtry and Tobias Iaconis as co-authors released on November 2018.It is about two teenagers meeting at the hospital and falling for each other despite the fact that they have Cystic Fibrosis(CF) which (you might not be knowing but i know because i read the book or you might also know :B) concludes they have to at least have a six feet between each other so they wont risk their lives.But why? you have to read the book or can google it!!.

Through out the story we come to know the seriousness of the illness and i did not know there is such a terminal illness in the first place.But the story is very heart breaking as both of them want to be with each other and the helplessness of the people around them is also clearly portrayed.

The book was not depressing though as it did have other elements throughout the story to keep us from falling too hard and the story took you through some polished page turning moments.After a long time i had a good cry while reading and it was satisfying

But seriously this book made my heart sore and my eyes swollen

Stella as a controlled one and Will as a rebel both were placed well in the whole story line.After the character’s were introduced i felt like the story accelerated with a tremendous pace and in my opinion ended very quickly.Some healthy characters where their like Poe,the fellow CF er and best friend of Stella and the sweet but stern nurse Barb.They all together held the story together until the end.

But the heart breaking which we expect from the beginning will be hitting you from a whole different direction.
The one other thing that i was little taken aback is that how these people are not afraid to die. In real life people are living with these kind of sickness and they might also be born with it.The irony is even if they are weak regards of their body they have this unwavering minds and persistent spirit but on the other hand its us(ME) who cannot even resist or withstand smaller levels of emotional imbalance.

To summaries its an affecting story with the cute guy and a beautiful girl who cant be together in life besides the fact that they do not have that much days to live too.The book was also helpful as it gives an awareness about the Cystic Fibrosis and a small glimpse of what people go through with the disease.

On the other side, while reading never get out the story and think, as realistic as the book is written, at points some elements will make you think outside the story and it will not make any sense like when they fall for each in real life will she be allowed to have such a relationship in the first place.

P.s.Waiting for the movie 😉 cause Justin Baldoni and Cole Sprouse #omgomgomgomgomgomg.

I am Not a Bad Person..Okay!!

For all those sarcasm filled words

For all those uncomfortable talks

For all those angry and irritated expressions

I never intended to hurt you.

I did not think of the uneasiness you felt

I did not know the impression i made

For all those unanswered questions

For all those i-know looks

For all those insulting sounded words

It was not what i meant

It was not what i intended

I am not a bad person

The circumstances to a bad place

And those times even when i knew i made things worse

I let it go

Never giving a second glance

even though it made my mind churn

I opt to not confront you

confrontation was worse than experiencing discomfort .

Creating a void around me was my choice

When everyone walked away i never stopped them

Not letting people in had led to an isolated space

A comfortable space!!

I am not willing to come out of it,not yet!!

This talk was long due.

i am afraid if i say it loud,

into the world,

it would get REAL!!.

I am as different as everyone of you.

—Self reflection

12.The likes on social media and the numbers in the weighing machine.

These days its always gloominess and sadness on every other thing.I sometimes find myself very happy and then it all just goes away in a blink of an eye.I feel most of you all feel the same way.So i wrote this piece for me just so i could get myself out from my own head.And do not think i am a sad person its just that i write things when i am sad.It feels like all the energy of me being sad is becoming something good and positive.I do check my likes and i do brood the numbers getting high in my weighing machine.So i sometimes feel like i am not good.But you know what who cares.Yesterday i gave my friend a pep talk on why bother what others think and then its me who is having hard time keeping up my own words.Just be weird always because it is the new NORMAL.

Who said you are important,

Who said you are the one.

Why do you want that validation

Why does it matter when,

You are struggling with the things

Travelling this journey alone

Why we want appreciations,

Congratulations,happy fake smiling faces.

Its just that, it wont give you happiness,

Will it?struggled for long months …

Just to get that ‘good job man…!!’ from somebody.

Why are you thinking so small of you.

Is it just what you deserve?.

That you think you are better only from the eyes of another person.

We are all living from a third persons view.

We all will be heroes and villains in somebody else’s stories.

So do not give a shit.

Be your judge, ask for your self appreciation!

Why! Because you should have the most valuable personality

You should have best est character

And you should be the beautiful-lest.

your own eyes should realize it.

The self hate, self pity to be eradicated

Avoid the problems that are not even their on the first place.

Is this it?Being silly.

The likes on social media and the numbers in the weighing machine.

Will you judge yourself by it.

Then go on,see how it goes.

Being miserable has become our next kin.

Stop it,Stop it,Stop it.

Call out things you really do not want to see in yourself .

Work hard,breathe deep and be selfish if that’s what it takes.

Seek happiness because at the end that’s the one thing you will want the most.

The stereotypes wont die ever and its good because

You can step out of it to be a good example for not giving a shit

and be happy about it.

But nobody said it would be easy.

Thus concluding, your mind might be lot calmer or disturbed right now.